Fake It… and Then Fake It Some More
I was one of those people who could do a good job faking it. It seemed critical, especially at work, that I act as if everything was okay 100% of the time. This can be a good thing, but it also prevented me from being myself. Being vulnerable all the time isn’t wise, but never showing our insecurities isn’t healthy either.
My Family Knew How to Pretend
My grandparents were people who believed that how things looked on the outside was what mattered. I’m not blaming them… just observing. They pretended to be rich by having multiple properties and giving each one a fancy name, e.g. Casa Sierra. In truth, the properties were mostly rentals and run down. They joined a country club but never went. When my grandmother was out in the world, she talked to everyone and was funny and kind. At home, she was sad and had no friends.
Sometimes I think there is an mental illness where people are kind and open to strangers, (who think they are wonderful), are not like that to their family. They can be distant, cold and even hostile. This is how it was in my family.
I’m sick of pretending that I have the answers. I’m exhausted from trying to prove something. I just want to be human and do well sometimes, give myself permission to f*ck up, and try to enjoy every day.
Are They Sure of Themselves or Faking It?
Do you have a friend who seems to have it all together? Maybe they do and hurray for them. My experience is that most people are just pretending. “Fake it til you make it,” can be useful tool for coping with change. But if I am comparing myself to anyone, then I am short-changing myself. Comparing how I feel inside to what I see on someone else’s outside, is fruitless. I try to avoid doing this. I try to compare myself with my ‘old self.’
Warning… language in the gif!
We’re all m*therf*cking liars sometimes, and that’s okay.
Image credit: two types of people
J. CallowayMay 12, 2022
This struck me very deeply. I’m not sure I can put my understanding and connection into words, but this is such a real thing. I find myself getting confused with what I feel and what my “fake” self feels. Sometimes I act and emote disingenuously and I don’t realize it until later. I don’t consciously worry about what other people think, I’m just a radically different persona until I’m alone. Maybe it’s fearing that no matter what people are going to have different perceptions of me, none of which are entirely accurate. So why try being myself at all? Deborah, you are a thought evoker. Thank you for posting
DeborahMay 13, 2022
So glad that you are seeing yourself and finding a way to be true to you. It’s a process…full of choices. I like what you wrote… “no matter what ppl are going to have different perceptions of me, non of which are entirely accurate.” This is nicely phrased and an a usual awareness.
The concepts understood in the Johari Window have been very useful to me. My goal has been to expand the ‘open self’ the part that I see that others also see, and minimize the blind self. It takes courage and support, but I have found it to be worthwhile work. Keep going!